wolfgang amadeus // phoenix

Tonight, as I'm sipping on a finger of bourbon after eating way too much food at Kerbey Lane, after a good workout at the gym, after a nice nap, after spending Drew's lunch break together, after a productive day at work, I am wondering why sometimes I feel like there's something I'm missing.

There are these times when I have this intense feeling of "this is it...?" Emphasis on the question mark. And it makes no sense because the majority of the time, I feel like "this is it." Emphasis on the very satisfied and fulfilling period at the end of that sentence. Also, cue an intense sigh of relief .

Like, everything in my life has been building up to this point, these moments of "it"-ness. And it's either wonderful and fills my heart until joy spills out everywhere and I catch myself staring at my partner with a big dumb smile on my face, and tears are swimming around in my eyes, and I just can't believe how fucking lucky I am, how I came across a love of this magnitude, to experience this love from another human being, to be able to love this way myself, and to share it with this world.

And those other moments, where the mundane every day life is dragging me down, and the same jokes are being told and falling flat, and the same caresses that are felt every day have suddenly lost their element of sincerity, these routines we fall into are expectations, like we, I, am taking them for granted instead of appreciating them as much as I once did, when things were new, and exciting, and unexpected.

I can look into the future, and see these same things happening. There is a comfort to that. A real, genuine, feeling of love and commitment and all those wonderful things that have been ingrained in us since childhood, a real satisfaction in finding my forever partner. But I can also look into the future, and see these same things happening, and I think, "how many more years are we going to do this?"

Sometimes, five years seems a blink of my eye. Other times, it already feels like a lifetime.

the bends // radiohead

I'm trying something new with Michael. I am being totally honest and upfront about what I want from him, from us. I am speaking my truth, and I think it's confusing to him, as clear and direct as I'm trying to be. But it's happening. Again, I am doing my part. And again, I feel like I am standing here, begging and pleading for him to meet me here, and yet, I stand alone.

I've done so much work surrounding expectations for people, and recognizing their abilities and that where they are and what they are able to do will not always (in fact, rarely) align with my expectations. And that's okay. It's important to honor where each person is on their journey, and where they can and want to go. But I want so badly for us to be happy and healthy individuals, and friends. I've known for a long time that it wasn't in the cards for us at this point, and yet, here I am again, ready and willing, and pushing...?

Am I pushing this? Or am I just letting him know that I am ready, again? I'm not really sure. I guess I should spend some more time investigating that. Maybe I should take a step back. But on the other hand, I'm so tired of hiding from myself, being scared of the repercussions, being scared of how he will react. I just want us to truly, wholly, be okay. I believe with all my heart that it's possible, in its own time. I need to trust the timing of it. I've been patient, and I will keep being patient.

There has to be a time for us, a space for us. Not romantically. Is that clear? Platonically. I don't know why I need him as a friend, a companion, a confidant. Maybe because of what we went through? It was the same thing, but we did it so separately. I want to share my experience with him, and I want so earnestly to hear his. To compare? Contrast? Draw parallels? I feel like it's just setting me up for more heartache when I don't hear what I want to hear.

I guess that why it's not happening now though. To sort out those expectations, those desires of mine...whatever they are. Then that space for us will be safer, I think. Sometimes it feels like the past five years have never happened. Like I am still standing in the exact same place, just waiting for him.

Okay, that last sentence was a little melodramatic.

fates // erik mongrain

Today was really productive, in the a lot of little tasks getting crossed off the list kind of way, even when the list didn't really need to be there anyway. But I did all the things I set out to do: I ran some errands, dusted the bedroom and the front room, straightened up, emptied the trash, deep cleaned the dishwasher, did SO MANY dishes, finished up the laundry, finished a book, read some of Miracles Now, meditated, worked out, went grocery shopping, cooked and ate a healthy dinner, spent time with Drew. The only thing that got pushed back until tomorrow was cleaning the bathroom. Again. It'll get done eventually.

It seems like I did a lot for not getting out of bed until 2 o'clock this afternoon. This summer, it just feels like I could sleep forever. I've been sleeping 10-12 hours every night, and typically taking naps (yes, sometimes plural) throughout the day. It just seems like I can't get enough sleep, even though I wake up incredibly well rested. I guess when there's nothing really pulling you out of bed, there's no reason to get up. I always have been a bed lover.

But now it's half past 2 am and I am dwindling down. Freshly showered and still drying off, I am reaching for a topic here. A neat little bow to wrap this entry up in. I guess sometimes that just doesn't happen. I still love re-reading my posts and seeing how they end. It's hardly ever the way I intended it when I began.

That's what I love most about this space, I think. The latitude it gives me to just write, and write, and write some more, until the words are spilling out of me without a second thought. And to see where it leads me, what lessons I learn, what wisdom there is to gain from my subconscious thoughts, or just from seeing my conscious spilled out across the page.

No judgment, no lies, just love and freedom of expression.

(Who is Erik Mongrain, by the way? This album just popped up on my Spotify account and I am loving it.)

gold trees gold // colt silvers

It's been a while. Again. I don't know how time manages to pass so quickly. Oh well, just trying to let that go. My 26th birthday is in about 30 days. School starts again in about 50 days, 7ish weeks. I can't wait to be busy again. Not have to worry about trying to fill my days with productivity, or feel guilty about doing nothing all day. It will be so nice.

But before then, I have some better habits to create. Things to work on. Daily meditation. Daily writing. More frequent workouts. Healthier eating. I feel like these things are all combined together for me. When I do one, it urges me to do another, and another, and then, before I know it, I'm making ALL THE HEALTHY CHOICES. And I feel great. I'll continue on for a few days, and then it all falls apart.

And I feel like shit.

I'll whine and complain and, even when I know what the solution is, I won't do it. I'll stay on the couch, binge watching episodes of House, and eating every 15 minutes. Why, as humans, do we do this? I know I'm not alone. Drew and I talked about it last night, because I'm so tired, so tired, of complaining and not making any lasting changes. I know that all this is driven by fear, a fear of staying the same. On the other side of the coin, there is a fierce love behind it, a love for myself, for wanting something better for me, for my partner, for my community.

Maybe that's it. We are driven by fear, instead of by love. Love is always greater than, will always beat out fear. Fear will fail. Fear will transform into other forms of fear. Love is pure, and true, and unconditional. It will stay by your side, help you up when you fall, and guide you back to your path.

old world romance // sea wolf

This was my last day in Anacortes. It's been an amazing, idyllic pacific northwest vacation/adventure/relaxation retreat. Watching the sunset over the Puget Sound every night has been my favorite part. It's also been amazing to have down time, but still have plenty to do if I wanted to. And the weather, oh, the weather. Highs in the 60s, lows in the 50s. Cloudy, rainy mornings giving way to clear, sunshine-filled afternoons. Enough sun to lay out on a lounge chair on the rocky beach with a good book. My hopeful tan is a little pink right now, but it'll fade by tomorrow.

I'm going to miss these views...this quiet, friendly, transient little island...the luxuries afforded to us by this incredible house we are staying at...the weather, of course...the endless shades of greenery brought by the endless rain...the immediate feeling of comfort and home in a place I haven't ever been.

And yet, I am so excited to be home. In the comfort of my own home. With my sheets and pillows and couches and greenery and my partner. I miss him. It's nice to miss each other, we always say. And that's true. We enjoy being independent and participating in separate activities but I'm ready to see his beautiful face and feel his strong arms holding me tight and hear his steady breathing as he sleeps and taste the saltiness of his sweat when I kiss his neck and smell the scent of being home.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

les bains douches // joy division

The rain is coming down. Pounding on the roof. Windows are open and the soft ocean breeze is wafting in. My heart is full from a day full of exploring nature, new places, not wanting for anything, wonderful experiences with friendly people, and delicious food. My stomach is full, fuller than it's been in a while. So full it hurts. Some ginger tea would sure be nice.

I am sitting in my bed, reflecting on the past few days and feeling the magnitude of how fortunate I am. For my good health, my loving family and friends, and for the financial ability to make vacations like this a reality. For feeling so guided and supported. For the investment I've been making in my mental and spiritual health. For the words that pour out of me, words that I've read and reaffirmed over and over again, words that used to seem so foreign are now freely flowing out of my mouth, in an attempt to share this light.

Being articulate has never been my thing. I stumble over my words, and my mouth moves more quickly than I can form coherent thoughts. I'm goofy and awkward and soft spoken, I think these are a direct result of being the youngest child and the only girl in my family. Often ignored or left out of conversations, either intentionally or not, it was of notice to me. And those lessons I learned early on from those incidents still affect me, even though I am becoming more sure of myself, and at the same time, accepting my place in my family without resentment.

Just the other day, my brother, his wife, and my mom and dad were all having a conversation about gun control. I was sitting in the back row of this massive SUV and having a hard time following the conversation (I have bad hearing). My brother made the comment that (in his opinion) while it's totally fine to own guns for self-defense and/or hunting, no one needs to own an arsenal of 200 firearms. Militia-forming and Second Amendment what-have-you. So I asked "So what's the limit?" "Well there is no limit." "I know there's no limit now, but you're saying 200 is too many, so what do you think the limit is?"

My question, which seemed true to the progression of the conversation, was met with dead silence. On everyone's part. No one said anything for a good 10 count. When someone spoke again, it was like my question was never asked, and the conversation just flowed on. A few years ago, I would have been angry and hurt, to the point where I would not enjoy the rest of the day (which happened to be the last day my brother and sister-in-law were there). But, instead, I acknowledged my hurt feelings, let them flow through me, told my ego to give it a rest, and just stared happily out the window for the rest of the trip home, as my family kept on having conversations without me.

Finding and accepting your place, with baby steps of change, full of confidence, love, and forgiveness. That's my jam.

bon iver // bon iver

Tonight, my parents and I had a tough conversation. It was wonderful to share ideas and talk about belief systems, but I know their hearts were breaking as I finally admitted something they wished wasn't true: I don't consider myself a Christian anymore (and haven't for a while). While it was painful for me to see their faces fall, I feel, for the first time in my life, that this spiritual path I am on is wholly and genuinely mine. I did the work to get here, and I am happy, and fulfilled, and will continue on this path. It doesn't have a label or a fancy place of worship, it's not black or white, it's messy and grey and evolving just as I evolve, and no, I don't know all the answers...but this, this is mine, it is me.

I know it's not easy for them. It's been a conversation we've been avoiding for a long time. But it happened organically tonight, and in the midst of another wonderful conversation about my and Drew's relationship, and our pursuit of marriage. We talked about values and raising kids and my childhood. I emphasized how much I loved the way I grew up, and tried to talk about the struggles I had (have?) as a young adult, but without being unnecessarily critical or hurtful. It is a fine line to walk. Open conversations such as these require great honesty and great courage. Sometimes that leads to hurt feelings over disagreements. And I think that's where we need great love, to forgive each other, accept our differences, and keep growing together.

I encouraged them to do the same for any kids Drew and I may have that they did for me. I want my kids to have those experiences, just as I want them to have access to other experiences. I want them to experience love, humility, kindness, patience, joy, peace, thankfulness, faithfulness, gentleness. My parents are shining, walking, living examples of these things, and the best teachers of the Christian faith I have ever had. But I also want my kids to know that they are loved, and supported, and free to express themselves fully.

Okay, this was more than ten minutes. I'll continue this at a later time. But I want to leave with this: I did a morning yoga +  meditation session on a deck on the Puget Sound this morning (family vacation in Anacortes). The message in today's meditation was "I am free to express myself. I am supported. I am loved." I mean, could there have been a better message for me to meditate on to prepare me for all of these wonderfully hard conversations about who and where I am? Because our universe/guiding force/inner soul sister/God/what-have-you knows EXACTLY what is up, before we even have a clue, and that is an awesomely divine thing to experience.

false floors // rogue valley

Tonight, Austin was put on a tornado watch. So Drew and I headed out to the highest point in our neighborhood, sat on the curb, and watched the dark skies light up. It was a beautiful show, one that left us full of awe and wonder. Sure, there was danger, but we weren't far from home, and there was barely any wind. Tornadoes are windy, ergo, no wind = no danger.

There was a cat hanging out on the hood of a truck parked in a couple driveways down the road. We figured as long as the cat was hanging out, we'd be safe too. We kept looking over at the cat, and it seemed like the cat was checking us out too. We were saying "Don't look at us cat, we're looking at you!"

Finally, the rain really started coming down, and the lightning was decidedly closer. The cat took off, so we climbed into our car too. When we got home, our housemates were waiting for us and we promised to wake them up if the tornado got closer. They go to bed early, and we usually stay up past midnight, which is when the tornado warning would be over.

I now have this fierce desire to be a storm chaser. I'm convinced that people would love to watch us chase storms all over the world, on a motorcycle, and discovering delicious foods along the way! Seriously, I think that people would love that shit!

Anyway, it was wonderful to just sit outside with the love of my life, watching these amazing things happen around us, feeling so small and yet, so full of love and awe that I felt like an integral part of this universe, like all these things happening around me are simultaneously happening inside me and the connectivity of it all, the flow of the storm, of life...that's some real good stuff there.

rumours // fleetwood mac

Well, I ran into another wall with ACC. And it's a big one. I don't understand all the bureaucracy and red tape that is involved with trying to give a business money so that I can get an education. I'm not sure where this path might end up, but after a good cry/freak out session, I continued my part in this cycle and surrendered it to the universe. Since that moment, I've been a bit more peaceful and the way forward seems pretty clear. After a good night's sleep tonight and a full day of work tomorrow, I will re-evaluate and see where this goes next. Hopefully no more walls. Please, no more walls.

After Drew got home from work tonight, we ran up to the grocery store. On our way home, we had the windows down and the glorious balmy summer night winds were so invigorating. We typically have the radio on, but at a very low volume so we can talk. He's a mumbler and I'm hard of hearing, so background noise needs to be at a minimum. During a lull in conversation, I recognized the intro to an awesome song that I hadn't heard for a while (Sweet Disposition by the Temper Trap). So I turned up the radio and, after a pause, Drew exclaimed "OH HELL YEAH." And we jammed out. And it was fantastic.

One of the last turns we take to get home sends us facing west; tonight, it gave us the most glorious view of pink, lavender, and indigo watercolor sunset skies, framed perfectly with mature trees on either side. Accompanied by the guitar riff extro of the song, it was a divine moment. One that made my heart explode and calmed my soul all at the same time. One that made me sure that I am being guided and on a good path. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the either.

ghost stories // coldplay

The past few months, my mind/heart has been taking me back to a weird place. A while ago, I found myself in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy and exploring adoption as an option for my baby. After discussing this with one of my brothers, he said this his partner had a cousin who was wanting to adopt a child. The cousin had a stable marriage and they were very wealthy. After that, the details seem to get a bit hazy in my mind, like a lot of that time in my life. There are weeks that are hard to remember, moments that I have no recollection of...and yet, there are others that are crystal clear, and will forever be embedded in my heart.

Anyway, back on track, I think this couple emailed me. I think I remember reading their words, their pleas for a child, and my broken heart shattering even more. It was something I couldn't deal with at the moment, in the midst of everything else that seemed to be happening on that day, on that week. Maybe if I read their email later, things would be different. But it happened as it did, and I think I remember promptly deleting it. I definitely never responded. If there was even an email in the first place.

Our memories are so funny sometimes. Our minds so imaginative. Filling in the gaps. Creating alternate universes.

So that's where I've been going lately. Back to that time. Imagining that couple's strife that I caused them with my lack of response, the false hope I gave them by telling my brother it was okay to tell them about me. The endless hours they must have spent refreshing their inboxes, fingers crossed and hearts full. The tears they must have cried whenever they gave up, or when they heard the news that I had chosen another family without even getting to know them. How unfair that must have seemed to them.

My heart has just been aching for them lately. I've been feeling the need to make it right somehow. A letter? I don't know. Would that be weird? Awkward? Unwelcome? My brother says they have adopted a child, not too long after I gave birth. I know things work themselves out as they should, or whatever, and that child is the perfect piece for their family, as my child is the perfect piece for her family.

But this is on my heart for a reason. And I need some guidance, please, universe.

begin to hope // regina spektor

There's not a whole lot on my mind tonight. I've been making a lot of lists lately, things to keep me busy throughout the day. Spend my days crossing off items on those lists. An effort to stay productive, and see the results. I've been really results-oriented lately, well...I guess it's always a trait I've had, but I have a tendency to get lost in the details. Usually, this happens in the opposite way. That things just get fuzzy and muddled and everything's a big mess and the result is not stellar, but acceptable. Now I'm feeling lost in the monotony, the mundane-ness of the details. There's so many small things to keep track of. Making lists of lists to make and just keep crossing it off, cross it off, cross it off. Only completing tasks for the sake of crossing them off a list that only I will ever see.

It's lost its appeal, and quickly. As things tend to do with me. I don't like not having things to do, and then attempting to create them. The house is clean. The laundry is done. Pedi/mani/bubble bath. Calorie counting. Gym time. Tracking cups of water consumed. Feed the dogs. Water the plants. Meditate. Read. Journal. Blog. Be mindful. Midday check ins. Are you being mindful? Present? How's your breath? Your ego? What is blocking you from connectivity with the universe? Right now, it feels like everything. I feel alone. Separated.

It's funny because these things have been so helpful at creating a relaxing environment, where I feel powerful and safe to focus on some soul work. And that soul work has been incredibly rewarding already. And yet, here I am, already tired of it. Man, our egos are powerful!

The best thing about all these feelings is that they will be gone in the morning, and there will be a lesson learned.

"You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better." - Dr. Maya Angelou (1928-2014)

let's be still // the head and the heart

Today was a little bit of that banging-my-head-against-a-concrete-wall feeling. I am still struggling/dealing with financial aid/paying for summer classes/ACC registration...regardless of the fact that classes started today. I am in this constant cycle of thinking I am okay, then running into another hurdle, banging my head against a wall, coming up with a (what turns out to be just temporary) solution, and then surrendering the situation to the universe. Over and over again. Just keep surrendering, that's what I need to remember.

I told some friends that I would meet up with them for a yoga session on campus this evening, but after dealing with MORE of this ACC shit, I really didn't want to do anything but sit on my couch and watch TV. But one of my Miracles Now messages came to me...the one that talks about showing up to your commitments. It's a small step, but it brings enormous amounts of blessings. Just showing up signals to the universe that you are ready and willing to change, and god, I am ready. I want health, and vitality, and peace of mind, and healthy eating habits, and positive body image. I'm ready, and needing, to change my habits, my thoughts, my practice.

And yoga was blissful. The practice of yoga itself, of course, always is. And there's something that energizes my soul when I spend time with these women. Strong, diverse, ambitious, beautiful, open, sincere, and genuine. We are a wonderful group. On my drive home, I had to just laugh at my ego. Why wouldn't I want to spend time with these lovely souls, building relationships, spending time focusing on my body, my breath, myself. A space to recenter and refocus. Why wouldn't I want to go? The reasons seem a bit hazy now.

Yet, our egos continually talk us out of things that we know we *should* do. Going to the gym. Eating healthier. Picking up the phone. Opening our hearts to share our journeys, our struggles. Our pride, our self-serving attitudes, our fears....they litter our mind with excuses, they put down our abilities, they tell us we aren't good enough. You know what's greater than our fears? LOVE.

Embrace that shit with open arms.

digital ash in a digital urn // bright eyes.

well, it's been a while, but here I am again, longing for a creative outlet. something consistent and reliable, and I feel motivated to put the effort into this time. these things that we build, they don't come to completion without perseverance and dedication. things take work, and patience. it's not always fun or even fulfilling, but these little things we do everyday, they have meaning, purpose. I want to start reaping the benefits, instead of day after day of "nothing", I want to see the results. the change.

oh, the changes. these past few months have been ripe with it. I've started full time as a pre-nursing student at UT Austin. I swapped my full time job for two part time ones. I've remembered what it's like to be busy, I've reinvented my study skills and my examination techniques. My body and mind have been bursting with this rejuvenation of my soul. For what feels like the first time in my life, I am working toward a very real and clear future.

I find interesting that I (unconsciously) switched to proper capitalization rules during that last paragraph.

Drew and I have had lots of conversations about our future, obviously. And I see it. I see us in it. I see the life that we are laying the foundation for, and have been for the past five (!) years. This kind of clairvoyance I have not experienced before. I always thought things would just kind of fall into place for me, and I could just float on (we'll all float on, all right). That didn't work, and I found myself in some dark, dark places with very real consequences. During that time, I started writing on a blog called "ten thousand stones", which is named after a song of the same name by an artist named Adrianne. The song speaks of the weight of ten thousand stones, the progression of them hanging deep in her heart and yet, somehow, building the best of her. I wanted to truly believe that my ten thousand stones were building something strong and stable and real.

If you would have told the me-then where me-now is today, I would've never believed it. No longer surviving. Thriving.

[post titles will now be the current album // artist i listened to while writing this post]