There's not a whole lot on my mind tonight. I've been making a lot of lists lately, things to keep me busy throughout the day. Spend my days crossing off items on those lists. An effort to stay productive, and see the results. I've been really results-oriented lately, well...I guess it's always a trait I've had, but I have a tendency to get lost in the details. Usually, this happens in the opposite way. That things just get fuzzy and muddled and everything's a big mess and the result is not stellar, but acceptable. Now I'm feeling lost in the monotony, the mundane-ness of the details. There's so many small things to keep track of. Making lists of lists to make and just keep crossing it off, cross it off, cross it off. Only completing tasks for the sake of crossing them off a list that only I will ever see.
It's lost its appeal, and quickly. As things tend to do with me. I don't like not having things to do, and then attempting to create them. The house is clean. The laundry is done. Pedi/mani/bubble bath. Calorie counting. Gym time. Tracking cups of water consumed. Feed the dogs. Water the plants. Meditate. Read. Journal. Blog. Be mindful. Midday check ins. Are you being mindful? Present? How's your breath? Your ego? What is blocking you from connectivity with the universe? Right now, it feels like everything. I feel alone. Separated.
It's funny because these things have been so helpful at creating a relaxing environment, where I feel powerful and safe to focus on some soul work. And that soul work has been incredibly rewarding already. And yet, here I am, already tired of it. Man, our egos are powerful!
The best thing about all these feelings is that they will be gone in the morning, and there will be a lesson learned.
"You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better." - Dr. Maya Angelou (1928-2014)
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