So a friend* of mine, let's call her Jill, posted this on her facebook:
This is the day that the LORD has MADE, y'all! Phew! That was a close one!
She tagged her sister-in-law, Lucy, with whom I am also friends*. Lucy recently had a set of biopsies done on her liver, so I figured the results were in. After popping over to her page, I saw that she announced the metastasized spots were not cancer. Celebration, no doubt, is in order.
Jill, with her status update, was referencing an old hymn that goes:
this is the day that the lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it!
It is a bouncy, lively tune.
But, if the results were different, if Lucy were to have cancer, would those circumstances change the "maker" of today? Would it suddenly be the day the devil has made? (pause for theatrical gasps) Or would this family still rejoice, but in the fact that god has given them an awesome new trial to test their trust and dedication to his will? Would there still be status updates joyous exclaiming his goodness and omnipotence?
Man. Even since I stepped outside of the christian box, so much of that shit seems just loony tunes.
---
* = friend, meaning person I grew up with in church and have had no contact with, except the occasional facebook comment, in the past five+ years
05 September 2013
03 August 2013
friday
TGIF. What a week. My brain is all fuzzy, but maybe that's just from the homemade Bloody Marys we had earlier. I love a good Bloody Mary, which is weird because I used to HATE tomato juice for a long, long time. I think it's something about the mix of spices, pickles, and hot sauce that makes it works. Also, vodka. (Or are you on the gin team?)
Nonetheless, my eyes are droopy and my hair is in a messy bun and there is a fan blowing right on my face, causing my eyes to water as I am constantly tabbing through Pinterest pages, attempting to make myself tired enough to go to sleep. My nap today was far too long, and I did not follow it up with a trip to the gym like I normally would. That's where the Bloody Marys came into play.
We also play Cards Against Humanity tonight, which is like Apples to Apples but more off-color and ages 17+ (says the box). There were several laugh-until-you-cry moments and Emily came out as the winner! As an aside, what do you call the last bit of pizza? Pizza crusts or pizza bones or do you have another name for them?
Colloquialisms are strange, and very interesting. My coworker came up to me this morning, playing with her hair, and asked if I had an extra rubber band. I said "no...but I have a hair tie." She looked puzzled and said "what's a hair tie?!" and I pointed to my bun and said "you know, something to tie your hair back, a pony tail holder", then I pulled an extra one out of my backpack and handed it to her. She said "yeah, that's a rubber band!" then thanked me a walked away. Another coworker confirmed that yes, she calls them rubber bands too. And I was like, "no guys, rubber bands are office supplies and they rip your hair out if you use them as a hair tie". We chalked the difference up to geographical locations.
Sometimes, living in Texas is like a whole 'nother world.
Nonetheless, my eyes are droopy and my hair is in a messy bun and there is a fan blowing right on my face, causing my eyes to water as I am constantly tabbing through Pinterest pages, attempting to make myself tired enough to go to sleep. My nap today was far too long, and I did not follow it up with a trip to the gym like I normally would. That's where the Bloody Marys came into play.
We also play Cards Against Humanity tonight, which is like Apples to Apples but more off-color and ages 17+ (says the box). There were several laugh-until-you-cry moments and Emily came out as the winner! As an aside, what do you call the last bit of pizza? Pizza crusts or pizza bones or do you have another name for them?
Colloquialisms are strange, and very interesting. My coworker came up to me this morning, playing with her hair, and asked if I had an extra rubber band. I said "no...but I have a hair tie." She looked puzzled and said "what's a hair tie?!" and I pointed to my bun and said "you know, something to tie your hair back, a pony tail holder", then I pulled an extra one out of my backpack and handed it to her. She said "yeah, that's a rubber band!" then thanked me a walked away. Another coworker confirmed that yes, she calls them rubber bands too. And I was like, "no guys, rubber bands are office supplies and they rip your hair out if you use them as a hair tie". We chalked the difference up to geographical locations.
Sometimes, living in Texas is like a whole 'nother world.
01 August 2013
thursday
It was one of those days. One of those days when working in customer service seems impossible, like this will be the day that you will snap. I was crabby, and I knew it. People are so quick to comment on my positive attitude and general cheerfulness, but what they don't seem to comprehend is that it isn't always easy. It is a very deliberate choice to smile and make conversation, person after person, day in and day out, letting go of rudeness, not taking blatant ignoring personally, and investing myself in a job in which I want no (real) future. It's not always easy, but today it was extra hard. I was fighting for it. I wanted to turn my day around, release the crabbiness, and embrace the possibilities.
That's not what the work day held for me, and that's okay. So I went on with my day, and got to spend about 45 minutes in Spirit Junkie before my yoga class. I read about setting intentions for healing, asking for deliberate guidance, putting your desires out into the universe. The material in this book kinda covers the spectrum from "I am so far detached from that" to "wow, that totally resonates with me". This particular idea is something I'm familiar with, but do not practice on a daily basis.
I've really been struggling with my upcoming birthday. I am not where I thought I would be at age 25. And while I know that's okay, and I respect my journey and myself, it's hard to let go of the first 20 years of my life's ambitions. The process is continual. But I've been keeping this struggle fairly private, as is the norm for me.
As our yoga session was coming to a close, my instructor invited me to share something I was grateful for. My first thought was "oh god, not today". After a minute of stammering, and commenting that I was grateful for "yoga brain", I felt the urge to say something about my upcoming birthday. So I did, and it all tumbled out in a concise, rapid succession. I am struggling, I admitted. I could also feel my ego explode in shame. But I'm sure you can guess what happened next.
Yup. SHOWERED WITH LOVE.
25, I think we're going to be all right.
That's not what the work day held for me, and that's okay. So I went on with my day, and got to spend about 45 minutes in Spirit Junkie before my yoga class. I read about setting intentions for healing, asking for deliberate guidance, putting your desires out into the universe. The material in this book kinda covers the spectrum from "I am so far detached from that" to "wow, that totally resonates with me". This particular idea is something I'm familiar with, but do not practice on a daily basis.
I've really been struggling with my upcoming birthday. I am not where I thought I would be at age 25. And while I know that's okay, and I respect my journey and myself, it's hard to let go of the first 20 years of my life's ambitions. The process is continual. But I've been keeping this struggle fairly private, as is the norm for me.
As our yoga session was coming to a close, my instructor invited me to share something I was grateful for. My first thought was "oh god, not today". After a minute of stammering, and commenting that I was grateful for "yoga brain", I felt the urge to say something about my upcoming birthday. So I did, and it all tumbled out in a concise, rapid succession. I am struggling, I admitted. I could also feel my ego explode in shame. But I'm sure you can guess what happened next.
Yup. SHOWERED WITH LOVE.
25, I think we're going to be all right.
wednesday
Today, a blogging friend of mine posted her beautifully honest story about her struggles with finding a healthy relationship with food. This is an extremely interesting topic for me, as I am still finding my balance. I love reading about her journey, and have followed it for years now.
She describes her feelings of guilt and shame as she "binged" on peanut butter (um, I do that every day!), her struggles with "treat meals" and date nights, the very disconcerting fact that her body wasn't functioning well. She was ill quite frequently, her digestive system wasn't working correctly, and her energy levels were low. All of this occurred while she was following a very restrictive, repetitive, "clean eating" diet (no, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle!).
Obviously, all of these problems point to a bigger one. How we feed our bodies is how they function, and that looks different for every single person. There is no "one size fits all" diet. Her bodywas begging for something different, and I am ecstatic to read that she has found something that makes her happy, feel healthy, and not consumed with guilt and shame for enjoying decadent treats. (YOLO, yes?)
However, I have an underlying issue with this. And bear with me as I try to put this eloquently as my ten minutes slowly dwindle here. Eating pop-tarts and fat-free dairy products are not as healthy as fresh, organic vegetables and fruits, and full fat dairy. This is a fact. I understand that the former products may fit your macro requirements, and may make your muscles pop, and you may be leaning out like never before, and (thankfully) you are HAPPY with the things you are eating, but if your long-term goal is health, then step away from the processed food that comes in a package manufactured by people who are earning their living by flooding your mind with advertisements that you NEED their products.
More importantly, eating should be a relatively emotionally independent experience. There is a big difference between "oh my gosh this pasta is orgasmically fantastic" and "my happiness today depends on eating a shit ton of carbs" (been there!). Let me be clear: if you are experiencing guilt or shame from what you are or are not eating, it would be most beneficial to acknowledge the issue, explore it, and solve the problem internally rather than simply putting down/picking up any external factors. (This is true for most of our emotional and mental turmoil.) Easier said than done, yes, but the process is an life-changing one.
Okay, my ten minutes are up. I want to write more but it's important for me to respect the boundaries I've set for this free writing goal of mine. Maybe tomorrow night I will write more about this. Especially about feeling deprived by your restrictive diet. That issue really hits me square in the heart.
Peace and love.
She describes her feelings of guilt and shame as she "binged" on peanut butter (um, I do that every day!), her struggles with "treat meals" and date nights, the very disconcerting fact that her body wasn't functioning well. She was ill quite frequently, her digestive system wasn't working correctly, and her energy levels were low. All of this occurred while she was following a very restrictive, repetitive, "clean eating" diet (no, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle!).
Obviously, all of these problems point to a bigger one. How we feed our bodies is how they function, and that looks different for every single person. There is no "one size fits all" diet. Her bodywas begging for something different, and I am ecstatic to read that she has found something that makes her happy, feel healthy, and not consumed with guilt and shame for enjoying decadent treats. (YOLO, yes?)
However, I have an underlying issue with this. And bear with me as I try to put this eloquently as my ten minutes slowly dwindle here. Eating pop-tarts and fat-free dairy products are not as healthy as fresh, organic vegetables and fruits, and full fat dairy. This is a fact. I understand that the former products may fit your macro requirements, and may make your muscles pop, and you may be leaning out like never before, and (thankfully) you are HAPPY with the things you are eating, but if your long-term goal is health, then step away from the processed food that comes in a package manufactured by people who are earning their living by flooding your mind with advertisements that you NEED their products.
More importantly, eating should be a relatively emotionally independent experience. There is a big difference between "oh my gosh this pasta is orgasmically fantastic" and "my happiness today depends on eating a shit ton of carbs" (been there!). Let me be clear: if you are experiencing guilt or shame from what you are or are not eating, it would be most beneficial to acknowledge the issue, explore it, and solve the problem internally rather than simply putting down/picking up any external factors. (This is true for most of our emotional and mental turmoil.) Easier said than done, yes, but the process is an life-changing one.
Okay, my ten minutes are up. I want to write more but it's important for me to respect the boundaries I've set for this free writing goal of mine. Maybe tomorrow night I will write more about this. Especially about feeling deprived by your restrictive diet. That issue really hits me square in the heart.
Peace and love.
31 July 2013
tuesday
As I was showering a few minutes ago, I was trying to come up with a topic for today's post. Nothing really came to me except for my hair. So I'm going to write about my hair. In this space, in this time, this is my hair, these are my thoughts about my hair, these are my feelings about my hair.
I made the transition from "mainstream" shampoo and conditioner to a "natural" method a while ago. I tried Burt's Bees, but it made my hair really really dry. Then I tried something that I think is called Sebastian's Organic (maybe?) and it made my hair feel really thick and unmanageable. So then I tried the "no-poo" system, where you're not really washing your hair at all. You just use a mixture of baking soda and apple cider vinegar (if I remember correctly). At the time, I was happy with the results, but too lazy to make the mixture every so often. I know, LAZY.
So then I tried the "Say Yes" brand, and I totally bought in. Natural (mostly), no parabens, no sulfates, it's affordable, not owned by a major corporation that I didn't want to support. For over two years, I've been using the Say Yes to Carrots shampoo & conditioner, the Say Yes to Cucumbers body wash, and the Say Yes to Tomatoes face wash. I'm telling you, I BOUGHT IN.
Recently, I've been making a lot of transitions to homemade products. I've made my own moisturizer, deodorant, I use (diluted) Dr. Bronner's for body wash and hand soap...all of these with great success and it's been nice for my budget too. So as our bottle of shampoo started running low, I began scouring Pinterest for shampoo "recipes".
The first couple washes were...rough. On the first day after a wash, my hair was this weird, dry, coarse, unmanageable mess that wouldn't do anything. The second day after a wash, it was softer and I could wear it down without it being a disaster. And then the third day, it was luxurious. And then I'd wash again, and the cycle would repeat. But I knew this was good, and Drew's hair was looking amazing, so I stuck with it.
And boy, am I happy. A friend took a picture of us at the baseball game Saturday night and I don't remember the last time I've been that happy with how my hair looked. And that's in the face of heat and humidity, two hours after it was washed and styled.
I've been growing my hair out for a while because I want long hair at our wedding. And while that date is not yet set, I am happy that I have found a good method for taking care of my hair. I'm in this routine for the long haul. Now to phase out mousse...
I made the transition from "mainstream" shampoo and conditioner to a "natural" method a while ago. I tried Burt's Bees, but it made my hair really really dry. Then I tried something that I think is called Sebastian's Organic (maybe?) and it made my hair feel really thick and unmanageable. So then I tried the "no-poo" system, where you're not really washing your hair at all. You just use a mixture of baking soda and apple cider vinegar (if I remember correctly). At the time, I was happy with the results, but too lazy to make the mixture every so often. I know, LAZY.
So then I tried the "Say Yes" brand, and I totally bought in. Natural (mostly), no parabens, no sulfates, it's affordable, not owned by a major corporation that I didn't want to support. For over two years, I've been using the Say Yes to Carrots shampoo & conditioner, the Say Yes to Cucumbers body wash, and the Say Yes to Tomatoes face wash. I'm telling you, I BOUGHT IN.
Recently, I've been making a lot of transitions to homemade products. I've made my own moisturizer, deodorant, I use (diluted) Dr. Bronner's for body wash and hand soap...all of these with great success and it's been nice for my budget too. So as our bottle of shampoo started running low, I began scouring Pinterest for shampoo "recipes".
The first couple washes were...rough. On the first day after a wash, my hair was this weird, dry, coarse, unmanageable mess that wouldn't do anything. The second day after a wash, it was softer and I could wear it down without it being a disaster. And then the third day, it was luxurious. And then I'd wash again, and the cycle would repeat. But I knew this was good, and Drew's hair was looking amazing, so I stuck with it.
And boy, am I happy. A friend took a picture of us at the baseball game Saturday night and I don't remember the last time I've been that happy with how my hair looked. And that's in the face of heat and humidity, two hours after it was washed and styled.
I've been growing my hair out for a while because I want long hair at our wedding. And while that date is not yet set, I am happy that I have found a good method for taking care of my hair. I'm in this routine for the long haul. Now to phase out mousse...
29 July 2013
monday
While reading Spirit Junkie today, I was convicted. Things hit home. Things like forgiveness. Playing the victim. In my defenselessness my safety lies. I need to attack her in order to protect myself. But by choosing to forgive, you connect to the light within others. You see them as equals, no one more or less special, we are all one. Resentments and the darkness are released, and the light in you reflects the light in them. It is your choice to see with light. It is your choice to see with love. When we choose love, we are able to acknowledge the dark parts (of ourselves and of others), but do so without being hooked into the negativity that perpetrates the victimized persona. Another big one: the willingness to release the need to be right is a major step toward forgiveness.
Yep, that's me. It was for a long, long time. I had to be right. I had to argue until you saw my way and why I was right and I converted you. I lost so many relationships by pushing my convictions of right and wrong, judging those who did "wrong", sneering at them, looking down my big nose at them.
Until I got caught in my own "wrong-doing", fell flat on my face, and broke my big, fat (metaphorical) nose. Once, twice, three times, and many more. There it was, out there for everyone to see. And things went from black and white to a lovely shade of grey. Situations, circumstances, decisions...they're tough, man. You can never fully understand the motivations behind someone's actions. You may not agree, and that's okay. But that doesn't mean you can't love and support them. Sometimes, during tough circumstances, that's when they need your love the most. And you leave your ego humbly at the door, and embrace them in light.
This notion of wrong and right, I left it behind not too long ago. Struggles still occur, and today's reading was a wonderful reminder of how far I've come, and how much work I still have to do. I'm enjoying this journey.
Yep, that's me. It was for a long, long time. I had to be right. I had to argue until you saw my way and why I was right and I converted you. I lost so many relationships by pushing my convictions of right and wrong, judging those who did "wrong", sneering at them, looking down my big nose at them.
Until I got caught in my own "wrong-doing", fell flat on my face, and broke my big, fat (metaphorical) nose. Once, twice, three times, and many more. There it was, out there for everyone to see. And things went from black and white to a lovely shade of grey. Situations, circumstances, decisions...they're tough, man. You can never fully understand the motivations behind someone's actions. You may not agree, and that's okay. But that doesn't mean you can't love and support them. Sometimes, during tough circumstances, that's when they need your love the most. And you leave your ego humbly at the door, and embrace them in light.
This notion of wrong and right, I left it behind not too long ago. Struggles still occur, and today's reading was a wonderful reminder of how far I've come, and how much work I still have to do. I'm enjoying this journey.
28 July 2013
sunday
We intended to wake up around 8:30, have a waffle breakfast, spend a majority of the day at the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center, and then relax for the rest of the day.
Instead, we woke up around 10:30. Sleepily drug ourselves out of bed. Made the bed. Had a waffle breakfast. Folded and put away the last of the laundry. Headed out to the Wildflower Center in South Austin, which was good because it didn't even open til noon. We originally wanted to be there at 10ish. Things work out well.
At the Wildflower Center, we took lots of photos with our baby, the Canon Rebel T4i. It's so much fun playing around with the settings and making some beautiful and some...experimental...photos. There was also an artist exhibit there, and she does the most wonderful watercolor paintings. We saw bees and wasps and hornets and hummingbirds and butterflies and flowers and plants and rocks and trees and turtles and fish and waterfalls and lots of sunshine. And babies. There were lots of babies.
We also saw a good contender for our wedding venue.
It was hot as balls out, of course, this is Texas in the summertime. So after an hour we left, went to a great coffee shop on the south side and then headed back home. Two hours later, we had fresh horchata, banana walnut bread, and bellies full of homemade sloppy joe-inspired sandwiches. We make some pretty awesome food, frequently. And this was one of my favorite dishes we've ever made. I love comfort food, and this dish did it for me.
Since then, we've just been relaxing. Mostly in silence, while we twitter away on our computers. Not actually on Twitter. But you know what I mean.
Instead, we woke up around 10:30. Sleepily drug ourselves out of bed. Made the bed. Had a waffle breakfast. Folded and put away the last of the laundry. Headed out to the Wildflower Center in South Austin, which was good because it didn't even open til noon. We originally wanted to be there at 10ish. Things work out well.
At the Wildflower Center, we took lots of photos with our baby, the Canon Rebel T4i. It's so much fun playing around with the settings and making some beautiful and some...experimental...photos. There was also an artist exhibit there, and she does the most wonderful watercolor paintings. We saw bees and wasps and hornets and hummingbirds and butterflies and flowers and plants and rocks and trees and turtles and fish and waterfalls and lots of sunshine. And babies. There were lots of babies.
We also saw a good contender for our wedding venue.
It was hot as balls out, of course, this is Texas in the summertime. So after an hour we left, went to a great coffee shop on the south side and then headed back home. Two hours later, we had fresh horchata, banana walnut bread, and bellies full of homemade sloppy joe-inspired sandwiches. We make some pretty awesome food, frequently. And this was one of my favorite dishes we've ever made. I love comfort food, and this dish did it for me.
Since then, we've just been relaxing. Mostly in silence, while we twitter away on our computers. Not actually on Twitter. But you know what I mean.
saturday
It was a really great day. I spent the first half of it organizing and cleaning. Washing sheets, folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom that hasn't been cleaned since I got my wisdom teeth removed. (It wasn't that bad.) I like the routine that I've fallen into, surrounding a cleaning schedule. As I'm growing older, I like my spaces much cleaner and tidier than ever before. And I enjoy the ritual of Saturday morning cleaning. I like taking Drew to work, coming home, making myself some breakfast and green tea, then being productive for a good majority of the day. And I like that he always makes sure to thank me for the work I do around the house. I feel so happy when I see him sigh with relief when he comes home to a clean home. On the other side of the coin, when I do have an extremely lazy Saturday and the house is not clean, he is so sweet about celebrating the fact that I rested and took some down time for myself. The clean Saturday routine is not an expectation in our relationship. It's just nice to take some time and do something that will benefit the both of us. And if it doesn't happen, we'll get to it. That's why the bathroom hadn't been cleaned for a couple weeks. And you know what? It was fine. We kept on living. We kept on loving. Neither one of us mentioned it at all.
After I picked him up from work, we went to a baseball game with a bunch of friends and had beers and funnel cake and a ton of fun. It was nice to get out and do something different. The home team was losing 4-0 in the 4th inning, came back and tied it in the 8th, and then hit a home run to end the game in the bottom of the 9th. Fireworks and everything.
Came home, made the bed, had some pretty great sex, climbed into the duvet cover together (sans duvet), and talked about what the hypothetical heaven may be like. Cuddled up and asleep by midnight.
It was a really great day.
After I picked him up from work, we went to a baseball game with a bunch of friends and had beers and funnel cake and a ton of fun. It was nice to get out and do something different. The home team was losing 4-0 in the 4th inning, came back and tied it in the 8th, and then hit a home run to end the game in the bottom of the 9th. Fireworks and everything.
Came home, made the bed, had some pretty great sex, climbed into the duvet cover together (sans duvet), and talked about what the hypothetical heaven may be like. Cuddled up and asleep by midnight.
It was a really great day.
27 July 2013
friday
Yesterday afternoon, I received some disappointing news regarding a new job. All I wanted to do was go home, drink an entire bottle of wine, and eat chips and salsa. After dwelling incessantly, whining to Drew about another door being closed, and crying on the city bus, I decided to actively confront the under lying issue. I closed my eyes and repeated the affirmation "I am willing to see this differently. I am willing to see love" over and over and over again until I felt the weight lift. When I got home, I did crack open a beer (hey, it's the weekend!) and call my best friend. We talked for over an hour, and the beer was warm before it was even half gone. Then I connected with Drew about his day and we headed to the gym. A good run does wonders for my mental state; I must remember this. A few tears were shed on that treadmill, but I pressed on. During my tanning session, I put on some Sigur Ros and meditated on another affirmation, "I forgive myself for choosing fear. Today, I choose love", until I began to see my other opportunities. Instead of wallowing in the past and what could have been another crushing blow, I am choosing to accept that this job is not part of my path and I will continue to move forward, as fearlessly as I can. I am proud of myself for my active role in changing old habits, for choosing health over temporary comfort, for taking control of my ego, for choosing to see difficult circumstances with hope and love.
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