the bends // radiohead

I'm trying something new with Michael. I am being totally honest and upfront about what I want from him, from us. I am speaking my truth, and I think it's confusing to him, as clear and direct as I'm trying to be. But it's happening. Again, I am doing my part. And again, I feel like I am standing here, begging and pleading for him to meet me here, and yet, I stand alone.

I've done so much work surrounding expectations for people, and recognizing their abilities and that where they are and what they are able to do will not always (in fact, rarely) align with my expectations. And that's okay. It's important to honor where each person is on their journey, and where they can and want to go. But I want so badly for us to be happy and healthy individuals, and friends. I've known for a long time that it wasn't in the cards for us at this point, and yet, here I am again, ready and willing, and pushing...?

Am I pushing this? Or am I just letting him know that I am ready, again? I'm not really sure. I guess I should spend some more time investigating that. Maybe I should take a step back. But on the other hand, I'm so tired of hiding from myself, being scared of the repercussions, being scared of how he will react. I just want us to truly, wholly, be okay. I believe with all my heart that it's possible, in its own time. I need to trust the timing of it. I've been patient, and I will keep being patient.

There has to be a time for us, a space for us. Not romantically. Is that clear? Platonically. I don't know why I need him as a friend, a companion, a confidant. Maybe because of what we went through? It was the same thing, but we did it so separately. I want to share my experience with him, and I want so earnestly to hear his. To compare? Contrast? Draw parallels? I feel like it's just setting me up for more heartache when I don't hear what I want to hear.

I guess that why it's not happening now though. To sort out those expectations, those desires of mine...whatever they are. Then that space for us will be safer, I think. Sometimes it feels like the past five years have never happened. Like I am still standing in the exact same place, just waiting for him.

Okay, that last sentence was a little melodramatic.