Tonight, my parents and I had a tough conversation. It was wonderful to share ideas and talk about belief systems, but I know their hearts were breaking as I finally admitted something they wished wasn't true: I don't consider myself a Christian anymore (and haven't for a while). While it was painful for me to see their faces fall, I feel, for the first time in my life, that this spiritual path I am on is wholly and genuinely mine. I did the work to get here, and I am happy, and fulfilled, and will continue on this path. It doesn't have a label or a fancy place of worship, it's not black or white, it's messy and grey and evolving just as I evolve, and no, I don't know all the answers...but this, this is mine, it is me.
I know it's not easy for them. It's been a conversation we've been avoiding for a long time. But it happened organically tonight, and in the midst of another wonderful conversation about my and Drew's relationship, and our pursuit of marriage. We talked about values and raising kids and my childhood. I emphasized how much I loved the way I grew up, and tried to talk about the struggles I had (have?) as a young adult, but without being unnecessarily critical or hurtful. It is a fine line to walk. Open conversations such as these require great honesty and great courage. Sometimes that leads to hurt feelings over disagreements. And I think that's where we need great love, to forgive each other, accept our differences, and keep growing together.
I encouraged them to do the same for any kids Drew and I may have that they did for me. I want my kids to have those experiences, just as I want them to have access to other experiences. I want them to experience love, humility, kindness, patience, joy, peace, thankfulness, faithfulness, gentleness. My parents are shining, walking, living examples of these things, and the best teachers of the Christian faith I have ever had. But I also want my kids to know that they are loved, and supported, and free to express themselves fully.
Okay, this was more than ten minutes. I'll continue this at a later time. But I want to leave with this: I did a morning yoga + meditation session on a deck on the Puget Sound this morning (family vacation in Anacortes). The message in today's meditation was "I am free to express myself. I am supported. I am loved." I mean, could there have been a better message for me to meditate on to prepare me for all of these wonderfully hard conversations about who and where I am? Because our universe/guiding force/inner soul sister/God/what-have-you knows EXACTLY what is up, before we even have a clue, and that is an awesomely divine thing to experience.
No comments:
Post a Comment