Tonight, as I'm sipping on a finger of bourbon after eating way too much food at Kerbey Lane, after a good workout at the gym, after a nice nap, after spending Drew's lunch break together, after a productive day at work, I am wondering why sometimes I feel like there's something I'm missing.
There are these times when I have this intense feeling of "this is it...?" Emphasis on the question mark. And it makes no sense because the majority of the time, I feel like "this is it." Emphasis on the very satisfied and fulfilling period at the end of that sentence. Also, cue an intense sigh of relief .
Like, everything in my life has been building up to this point, these moments of "it"-ness. And it's either wonderful and fills my heart until joy spills out everywhere and I catch myself staring at my partner with a big dumb smile on my face, and tears are swimming around in my eyes, and I just can't believe how fucking lucky I am, how I came across a love of this magnitude, to experience this love from another human being, to be able to love this way myself, and to share it with this world.
And those other moments, where the mundane every day life is dragging me down, and the same jokes are being told and falling flat, and the same caresses that are felt every day have suddenly lost their element of sincerity, these routines we fall into are expectations, like we, I, am taking them for granted instead of appreciating them as much as I once did, when things were new, and exciting, and unexpected.
I can look into the future, and see these same things happening. There is a comfort to that. A real, genuine, feeling of love and commitment and all those wonderful things that have been ingrained in us since childhood, a real satisfaction in finding my forever partner. But I can also look into the future, and see these same things happening, and I think, "how many more years are we going to do this?"
Sometimes, five years seems a blink of my eye. Other times, it already feels like a lifetime.
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