The past few months, my mind/heart has been taking me back to a weird place. A while ago, I found myself in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy and exploring adoption as an option for my baby. After discussing this with one of my brothers, he said this his partner had a cousin who was wanting to adopt a child. The cousin had a stable marriage and they were very wealthy. After that, the details seem to get a bit hazy in my mind, like a lot of that time in my life. There are weeks that are hard to remember, moments that I have no recollection of...and yet, there are others that are crystal clear, and will forever be embedded in my heart.
Anyway, back on track, I think this couple emailed me. I think I remember reading their words, their pleas for a child, and my broken heart shattering even more. It was something I couldn't deal with at the moment, in the midst of everything else that seemed to be happening on that day, on that week. Maybe if I read their email later, things would be different. But it happened as it did, and I think I remember promptly deleting it. I definitely never responded. If there was even an email in the first place.
Our memories are so funny sometimes. Our minds so imaginative. Filling in the gaps. Creating alternate universes.
So that's where I've been going lately. Back to that time. Imagining that couple's strife that I caused them with my lack of response, the false hope I gave them by telling my brother it was okay to tell them about me. The endless hours they must have spent refreshing their inboxes, fingers crossed and hearts full. The tears they must have cried whenever they gave up, or when they heard the news that I had chosen another family without even getting to know them. How unfair that must have seemed to them.
My heart has just been aching for them lately. I've been feeling the need to make it right somehow. A letter? I don't know. Would that be weird? Awkward? Unwelcome? My brother says they have adopted a child, not too long after I gave birth. I know things work themselves out as they should, or whatever, and that child is the perfect piece for their family, as my child is the perfect piece for her family.
But this is on my heart for a reason. And I need some guidance, please, universe.
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