Tonight, as I'm sipping on a finger of bourbon after eating way too much food at Kerbey Lane, after a good workout at the gym, after a nice nap, after spending Drew's lunch break together, after a productive day at work, I am wondering why sometimes I feel like there's something I'm missing.
There are these times when I have this intense feeling of "this is it...?" Emphasis on the question mark. And it makes no sense because the majority of the time, I feel like "this is it." Emphasis on the very satisfied and fulfilling period at the end of that sentence. Also, cue an intense sigh of relief .
Like, everything in my life has been building up to this point, these moments of "it"-ness. And it's either wonderful and fills my heart until joy spills out everywhere and I catch myself staring at my partner with a big dumb smile on my face, and tears are swimming around in my eyes, and I just can't believe how fucking lucky I am, how I came across a love of this magnitude, to experience this love from another human being, to be able to love this way myself, and to share it with this world.
And those other moments, where the mundane every day life is dragging me down, and the same jokes are being told and falling flat, and the same caresses that are felt every day have suddenly lost their element of sincerity, these routines we fall into are expectations, like we, I, am taking them for granted instead of appreciating them as much as I once did, when things were new, and exciting, and unexpected.
I can look into the future, and see these same things happening. There is a comfort to that. A real, genuine, feeling of love and commitment and all those wonderful things that have been ingrained in us since childhood, a real satisfaction in finding my forever partner. But I can also look into the future, and see these same things happening, and I think, "how many more years are we going to do this?"
Sometimes, five years seems a blink of my eye. Other times, it already feels like a lifetime.
12 July 2014
11 July 2014
the bends // radiohead
I'm trying something new with Michael. I am being totally honest and upfront about what I want from him, from us. I am speaking my truth, and I think it's confusing to him, as clear and direct as I'm trying to be. But it's happening. Again, I am doing my part. And again, I feel like I am standing here, begging and pleading for him to meet me here, and yet, I stand alone.
I've done so much work surrounding expectations for people, and recognizing their abilities and that where they are and what they are able to do will not always (in fact, rarely) align with my expectations. And that's okay. It's important to honor where each person is on their journey, and where they can and want to go. But I want so badly for us to be happy and healthy individuals, and friends. I've known for a long time that it wasn't in the cards for us at this point, and yet, here I am again, ready and willing, and pushing...?
Am I pushing this? Or am I just letting him know that I am ready, again? I'm not really sure. I guess I should spend some more time investigating that. Maybe I should take a step back. But on the other hand, I'm so tired of hiding from myself, being scared of the repercussions, being scared of how he will react. I just want us to truly, wholly, be okay. I believe with all my heart that it's possible, in its own time. I need to trust the timing of it. I've been patient, and I will keep being patient.
There has to be a time for us, a space for us. Not romantically. Is that clear? Platonically. I don't know why I need him as a friend, a companion, a confidant. Maybe because of what we went through? It was the same thing, but we did it so separately. I want to share my experience with him, and I want so earnestly to hear his. To compare? Contrast? Draw parallels? I feel like it's just setting me up for more heartache when I don't hear what I want to hear.
I guess that why it's not happening now though. To sort out those expectations, those desires of mine...whatever they are. Then that space for us will be safer, I think. Sometimes it feels like the past five years have never happened. Like I am still standing in the exact same place, just waiting for him.
Okay, that last sentence was a little melodramatic.
I've done so much work surrounding expectations for people, and recognizing their abilities and that where they are and what they are able to do will not always (in fact, rarely) align with my expectations. And that's okay. It's important to honor where each person is on their journey, and where they can and want to go. But I want so badly for us to be happy and healthy individuals, and friends. I've known for a long time that it wasn't in the cards for us at this point, and yet, here I am again, ready and willing, and pushing...?
Am I pushing this? Or am I just letting him know that I am ready, again? I'm not really sure. I guess I should spend some more time investigating that. Maybe I should take a step back. But on the other hand, I'm so tired of hiding from myself, being scared of the repercussions, being scared of how he will react. I just want us to truly, wholly, be okay. I believe with all my heart that it's possible, in its own time. I need to trust the timing of it. I've been patient, and I will keep being patient.
There has to be a time for us, a space for us. Not romantically. Is that clear? Platonically. I don't know why I need him as a friend, a companion, a confidant. Maybe because of what we went through? It was the same thing, but we did it so separately. I want to share my experience with him, and I want so earnestly to hear his. To compare? Contrast? Draw parallels? I feel like it's just setting me up for more heartache when I don't hear what I want to hear.
I guess that why it's not happening now though. To sort out those expectations, those desires of mine...whatever they are. Then that space for us will be safer, I think. Sometimes it feels like the past five years have never happened. Like I am still standing in the exact same place, just waiting for him.
Okay, that last sentence was a little melodramatic.
10 July 2014
fates // erik mongrain
Today was really productive, in the a lot of little tasks getting crossed off the list kind of way, even when the list didn't really need to be there anyway. But I did all the things I set out to do: I ran some errands, dusted the bedroom and the front room, straightened up, emptied the trash, deep cleaned the dishwasher, did SO MANY dishes, finished up the laundry, finished a book, read some of Miracles Now, meditated, worked out, went grocery shopping, cooked and ate a healthy dinner, spent time with Drew. The only thing that got pushed back until tomorrow was cleaning the bathroom. Again. It'll get done eventually.
It seems like I did a lot for not getting out of bed until 2 o'clock this afternoon. This summer, it just feels like I could sleep forever. I've been sleeping 10-12 hours every night, and typically taking naps (yes, sometimes plural) throughout the day. It just seems like I can't get enough sleep, even though I wake up incredibly well rested. I guess when there's nothing really pulling you out of bed, there's no reason to get up. I always have been a bed lover.
But now it's half past 2 am and I am dwindling down. Freshly showered and still drying off, I am reaching for a topic here. A neat little bow to wrap this entry up in. I guess sometimes that just doesn't happen. I still love re-reading my posts and seeing how they end. It's hardly ever the way I intended it when I began.
That's what I love most about this space, I think. The latitude it gives me to just write, and write, and write some more, until the words are spilling out of me without a second thought. And to see where it leads me, what lessons I learn, what wisdom there is to gain from my subconscious thoughts, or just from seeing my conscious spilled out across the page.
No judgment, no lies, just love and freedom of expression.
(Who is Erik Mongrain, by the way? This album just popped up on my Spotify account and I am loving it.)
It seems like I did a lot for not getting out of bed until 2 o'clock this afternoon. This summer, it just feels like I could sleep forever. I've been sleeping 10-12 hours every night, and typically taking naps (yes, sometimes plural) throughout the day. It just seems like I can't get enough sleep, even though I wake up incredibly well rested. I guess when there's nothing really pulling you out of bed, there's no reason to get up. I always have been a bed lover.
But now it's half past 2 am and I am dwindling down. Freshly showered and still drying off, I am reaching for a topic here. A neat little bow to wrap this entry up in. I guess sometimes that just doesn't happen. I still love re-reading my posts and seeing how they end. It's hardly ever the way I intended it when I began.
That's what I love most about this space, I think. The latitude it gives me to just write, and write, and write some more, until the words are spilling out of me without a second thought. And to see where it leads me, what lessons I learn, what wisdom there is to gain from my subconscious thoughts, or just from seeing my conscious spilled out across the page.
No judgment, no lies, just love and freedom of expression.
(Who is Erik Mongrain, by the way? This album just popped up on my Spotify account and I am loving it.)
08 July 2014
gold trees gold // colt silvers
It's been a while. Again. I don't know how time manages to pass so quickly. Oh well, just trying to let that go. My 26th birthday is in about 30 days. School starts again in about 50 days, 7ish weeks. I can't wait to be busy again. Not have to worry about trying to fill my days with productivity, or feel guilty about doing nothing all day. It will be so nice.
But before then, I have some better habits to create. Things to work on. Daily meditation. Daily writing. More frequent workouts. Healthier eating. I feel like these things are all combined together for me. When I do one, it urges me to do another, and another, and then, before I know it, I'm making ALL THE HEALTHY CHOICES. And I feel great. I'll continue on for a few days, and then it all falls apart.
And I feel like shit.
I'll whine and complain and, even when I know what the solution is, I won't do it. I'll stay on the couch, binge watching episodes of House, and eating every 15 minutes. Why, as humans, do we do this? I know I'm not alone. Drew and I talked about it last night, because I'm so tired, so tired, of complaining and not making any lasting changes. I know that all this is driven by fear, a fear of staying the same. On the other side of the coin, there is a fierce love behind it, a love for myself, for wanting something better for me, for my partner, for my community.
Maybe that's it. We are driven by fear, instead of by love. Love is always greater than, will always beat out fear. Fear will fail. Fear will transform into other forms of fear. Love is pure, and true, and unconditional. It will stay by your side, help you up when you fall, and guide you back to your path.
But before then, I have some better habits to create. Things to work on. Daily meditation. Daily writing. More frequent workouts. Healthier eating. I feel like these things are all combined together for me. When I do one, it urges me to do another, and another, and then, before I know it, I'm making ALL THE HEALTHY CHOICES. And I feel great. I'll continue on for a few days, and then it all falls apart.
And I feel like shit.
I'll whine and complain and, even when I know what the solution is, I won't do it. I'll stay on the couch, binge watching episodes of House, and eating every 15 minutes. Why, as humans, do we do this? I know I'm not alone. Drew and I talked about it last night, because I'm so tired, so tired, of complaining and not making any lasting changes. I know that all this is driven by fear, a fear of staying the same. On the other side of the coin, there is a fierce love behind it, a love for myself, for wanting something better for me, for my partner, for my community.
Maybe that's it. We are driven by fear, instead of by love. Love is always greater than, will always beat out fear. Fear will fail. Fear will transform into other forms of fear. Love is pure, and true, and unconditional. It will stay by your side, help you up when you fall, and guide you back to your path.
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