sassy new haircut
sunshine
sleeping aids
supportive friends
26 March 2015
24 March 2015
18 March 2015
04 March 2015
the firewatcher's daughter // brandi carlile
Brandi Carlile is a huge crush on mine. Her words and voice shake something deep in my soul, places that I didn't know could resonate with someone else. I'm so happy she'll be playing in Austin soon and that Drew and I get to go see her perform. I told him I was buying tickets and he was like "oh but I um I was going to surprise you with them." Whoops. I love him so much, and he is so good to me. wherever is your heart I call home. We are at a weird place right now, or maybe it's just me. But I feel like the majority of the time I am walking on boring and slippery ground. Thinking about it too much causes major insecurity. And so I slip through phases - one of severe distress and the other of apathy. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but it's real and I'm here, and I'm battling the crippling fear and continuing to let love flow through me. While talking about a specific concerning issue with Rose, she said "I wonder if you are making a mountain of a molehill?" Have I gotten so used to drama and crisis that I am creating new ones?
02 March 2015
19 February 2015
thankful...
Today I fell into the depths of blogs past. It's fascinating to see what I was interested in, reading, doing, thinking...all those years ago. Some of those feelings are still so tangible, while others have fallen to the wayside.
In one post, lamenting my broken heart, I say "I still remember that one birthday I spent with him".
That statement isn't true anymore. I wonder why that day was important to me then, and why it's not now.
I also dutifully tracked things I was thankful for. Once a week, I posted a short little entry, a list of things that I needed to take an extra moment to be grateful for. And I liked it. I remember the feelings that were stirred in me as I enumerated the little, and the big, things that were good in my life. And I liked re-reading them, all these years later. Some are vague, like "friends"; others are specific, like "the harry potter soundtrack". I am thankful that my past self has so well documented these things.
Expect to see some thankful... posts about once a week.
In one post, lamenting my broken heart, I say "I still remember that one birthday I spent with him".
That statement isn't true anymore. I wonder why that day was important to me then, and why it's not now.
I also dutifully tracked things I was thankful for. Once a week, I posted a short little entry, a list of things that I needed to take an extra moment to be grateful for. And I liked it. I remember the feelings that were stirred in me as I enumerated the little, and the big, things that were good in my life. And I liked re-reading them, all these years later. Some are vague, like "friends"; others are specific, like "the harry potter soundtrack". I am thankful that my past self has so well documented these things.
Expect to see some thankful... posts about once a week.
12 July 2014
wolfgang amadeus // phoenix
Tonight, as I'm sipping on a finger of bourbon after eating way too much food at Kerbey Lane, after a good workout at the gym, after a nice nap, after spending Drew's lunch break together, after a productive day at work, I am wondering why sometimes I feel like there's something I'm missing.
There are these times when I have this intense feeling of "this is it...?" Emphasis on the question mark. And it makes no sense because the majority of the time, I feel like "this is it." Emphasis on the very satisfied and fulfilling period at the end of that sentence. Also, cue an intense sigh of relief .
Like, everything in my life has been building up to this point, these moments of "it"-ness. And it's either wonderful and fills my heart until joy spills out everywhere and I catch myself staring at my partner with a big dumb smile on my face, and tears are swimming around in my eyes, and I just can't believe how fucking lucky I am, how I came across a love of this magnitude, to experience this love from another human being, to be able to love this way myself, and to share it with this world.
And those other moments, where the mundane every day life is dragging me down, and the same jokes are being told and falling flat, and the same caresses that are felt every day have suddenly lost their element of sincerity, these routines we fall into are expectations, like we, I, am taking them for granted instead of appreciating them as much as I once did, when things were new, and exciting, and unexpected.
I can look into the future, and see these same things happening. There is a comfort to that. A real, genuine, feeling of love and commitment and all those wonderful things that have been ingrained in us since childhood, a real satisfaction in finding my forever partner. But I can also look into the future, and see these same things happening, and I think, "how many more years are we going to do this?"
Sometimes, five years seems a blink of my eye. Other times, it already feels like a lifetime.
There are these times when I have this intense feeling of "this is it...?" Emphasis on the question mark. And it makes no sense because the majority of the time, I feel like "this is it." Emphasis on the very satisfied and fulfilling period at the end of that sentence. Also, cue an intense sigh of relief .
Like, everything in my life has been building up to this point, these moments of "it"-ness. And it's either wonderful and fills my heart until joy spills out everywhere and I catch myself staring at my partner with a big dumb smile on my face, and tears are swimming around in my eyes, and I just can't believe how fucking lucky I am, how I came across a love of this magnitude, to experience this love from another human being, to be able to love this way myself, and to share it with this world.
And those other moments, where the mundane every day life is dragging me down, and the same jokes are being told and falling flat, and the same caresses that are felt every day have suddenly lost their element of sincerity, these routines we fall into are expectations, like we, I, am taking them for granted instead of appreciating them as much as I once did, when things were new, and exciting, and unexpected.
I can look into the future, and see these same things happening. There is a comfort to that. A real, genuine, feeling of love and commitment and all those wonderful things that have been ingrained in us since childhood, a real satisfaction in finding my forever partner. But I can also look into the future, and see these same things happening, and I think, "how many more years are we going to do this?"
Sometimes, five years seems a blink of my eye. Other times, it already feels like a lifetime.
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