bon iver // bon iver

Tonight, my parents and I had a tough conversation. It was wonderful to share ideas and talk about belief systems, but I know their hearts were breaking as I finally admitted something they wished wasn't true: I don't consider myself a Christian anymore (and haven't for a while). While it was painful for me to see their faces fall, I feel, for the first time in my life, that this spiritual path I am on is wholly and genuinely mine. I did the work to get here, and I am happy, and fulfilled, and will continue on this path. It doesn't have a label or a fancy place of worship, it's not black or white, it's messy and grey and evolving just as I evolve, and no, I don't know all the answers...but this, this is mine, it is me.

I know it's not easy for them. It's been a conversation we've been avoiding for a long time. But it happened organically tonight, and in the midst of another wonderful conversation about my and Drew's relationship, and our pursuit of marriage. We talked about values and raising kids and my childhood. I emphasized how much I loved the way I grew up, and tried to talk about the struggles I had (have?) as a young adult, but without being unnecessarily critical or hurtful. It is a fine line to walk. Open conversations such as these require great honesty and great courage. Sometimes that leads to hurt feelings over disagreements. And I think that's where we need great love, to forgive each other, accept our differences, and keep growing together.

I encouraged them to do the same for any kids Drew and I may have that they did for me. I want my kids to have those experiences, just as I want them to have access to other experiences. I want them to experience love, humility, kindness, patience, joy, peace, thankfulness, faithfulness, gentleness. My parents are shining, walking, living examples of these things, and the best teachers of the Christian faith I have ever had. But I also want my kids to know that they are loved, and supported, and free to express themselves fully.

Okay, this was more than ten minutes. I'll continue this at a later time. But I want to leave with this: I did a morning yoga +  meditation session on a deck on the Puget Sound this morning (family vacation in Anacortes). The message in today's meditation was "I am free to express myself. I am supported. I am loved." I mean, could there have been a better message for me to meditate on to prepare me for all of these wonderfully hard conversations about who and where I am? Because our universe/guiding force/inner soul sister/God/what-have-you knows EXACTLY what is up, before we even have a clue, and that is an awesomely divine thing to experience.

false floors // rogue valley

Tonight, Austin was put on a tornado watch. So Drew and I headed out to the highest point in our neighborhood, sat on the curb, and watched the dark skies light up. It was a beautiful show, one that left us full of awe and wonder. Sure, there was danger, but we weren't far from home, and there was barely any wind. Tornadoes are windy, ergo, no wind = no danger.

There was a cat hanging out on the hood of a truck parked in a couple driveways down the road. We figured as long as the cat was hanging out, we'd be safe too. We kept looking over at the cat, and it seemed like the cat was checking us out too. We were saying "Don't look at us cat, we're looking at you!"

Finally, the rain really started coming down, and the lightning was decidedly closer. The cat took off, so we climbed into our car too. When we got home, our housemates were waiting for us and we promised to wake them up if the tornado got closer. They go to bed early, and we usually stay up past midnight, which is when the tornado warning would be over.

I now have this fierce desire to be a storm chaser. I'm convinced that people would love to watch us chase storms all over the world, on a motorcycle, and discovering delicious foods along the way! Seriously, I think that people would love that shit!

Anyway, it was wonderful to just sit outside with the love of my life, watching these amazing things happen around us, feeling so small and yet, so full of love and awe that I felt like an integral part of this universe, like all these things happening around me are simultaneously happening inside me and the connectivity of it all, the flow of the storm, of life...that's some real good stuff there.

rumours // fleetwood mac

Well, I ran into another wall with ACC. And it's a big one. I don't understand all the bureaucracy and red tape that is involved with trying to give a business money so that I can get an education. I'm not sure where this path might end up, but after a good cry/freak out session, I continued my part in this cycle and surrendered it to the universe. Since that moment, I've been a bit more peaceful and the way forward seems pretty clear. After a good night's sleep tonight and a full day of work tomorrow, I will re-evaluate and see where this goes next. Hopefully no more walls. Please, no more walls.

After Drew got home from work tonight, we ran up to the grocery store. On our way home, we had the windows down and the glorious balmy summer night winds were so invigorating. We typically have the radio on, but at a very low volume so we can talk. He's a mumbler and I'm hard of hearing, so background noise needs to be at a minimum. During a lull in conversation, I recognized the intro to an awesome song that I hadn't heard for a while (Sweet Disposition by the Temper Trap). So I turned up the radio and, after a pause, Drew exclaimed "OH HELL YEAH." And we jammed out. And it was fantastic.

One of the last turns we take to get home sends us facing west; tonight, it gave us the most glorious view of pink, lavender, and indigo watercolor sunset skies, framed perfectly with mature trees on either side. Accompanied by the guitar riff extro of the song, it was a divine moment. One that made my heart explode and calmed my soul all at the same time. One that made me sure that I am being guided and on a good path. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the either.

ghost stories // coldplay

The past few months, my mind/heart has been taking me back to a weird place. A while ago, I found myself in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy and exploring adoption as an option for my baby. After discussing this with one of my brothers, he said this his partner had a cousin who was wanting to adopt a child. The cousin had a stable marriage and they were very wealthy. After that, the details seem to get a bit hazy in my mind, like a lot of that time in my life. There are weeks that are hard to remember, moments that I have no recollection of...and yet, there are others that are crystal clear, and will forever be embedded in my heart.

Anyway, back on track, I think this couple emailed me. I think I remember reading their words, their pleas for a child, and my broken heart shattering even more. It was something I couldn't deal with at the moment, in the midst of everything else that seemed to be happening on that day, on that week. Maybe if I read their email later, things would be different. But it happened as it did, and I think I remember promptly deleting it. I definitely never responded. If there was even an email in the first place.

Our memories are so funny sometimes. Our minds so imaginative. Filling in the gaps. Creating alternate universes.

So that's where I've been going lately. Back to that time. Imagining that couple's strife that I caused them with my lack of response, the false hope I gave them by telling my brother it was okay to tell them about me. The endless hours they must have spent refreshing their inboxes, fingers crossed and hearts full. The tears they must have cried whenever they gave up, or when they heard the news that I had chosen another family without even getting to know them. How unfair that must have seemed to them.

My heart has just been aching for them lately. I've been feeling the need to make it right somehow. A letter? I don't know. Would that be weird? Awkward? Unwelcome? My brother says they have adopted a child, not too long after I gave birth. I know things work themselves out as they should, or whatever, and that child is the perfect piece for their family, as my child is the perfect piece for her family.

But this is on my heart for a reason. And I need some guidance, please, universe.

begin to hope // regina spektor

There's not a whole lot on my mind tonight. I've been making a lot of lists lately, things to keep me busy throughout the day. Spend my days crossing off items on those lists. An effort to stay productive, and see the results. I've been really results-oriented lately, well...I guess it's always a trait I've had, but I have a tendency to get lost in the details. Usually, this happens in the opposite way. That things just get fuzzy and muddled and everything's a big mess and the result is not stellar, but acceptable. Now I'm feeling lost in the monotony, the mundane-ness of the details. There's so many small things to keep track of. Making lists of lists to make and just keep crossing it off, cross it off, cross it off. Only completing tasks for the sake of crossing them off a list that only I will ever see.

It's lost its appeal, and quickly. As things tend to do with me. I don't like not having things to do, and then attempting to create them. The house is clean. The laundry is done. Pedi/mani/bubble bath. Calorie counting. Gym time. Tracking cups of water consumed. Feed the dogs. Water the plants. Meditate. Read. Journal. Blog. Be mindful. Midday check ins. Are you being mindful? Present? How's your breath? Your ego? What is blocking you from connectivity with the universe? Right now, it feels like everything. I feel alone. Separated.

It's funny because these things have been so helpful at creating a relaxing environment, where I feel powerful and safe to focus on some soul work. And that soul work has been incredibly rewarding already. And yet, here I am, already tired of it. Man, our egos are powerful!

The best thing about all these feelings is that they will be gone in the morning, and there will be a lesson learned.

"You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better." - Dr. Maya Angelou (1928-2014)

let's be still // the head and the heart

Today was a little bit of that banging-my-head-against-a-concrete-wall feeling. I am still struggling/dealing with financial aid/paying for summer classes/ACC registration...regardless of the fact that classes started today. I am in this constant cycle of thinking I am okay, then running into another hurdle, banging my head against a wall, coming up with a (what turns out to be just temporary) solution, and then surrendering the situation to the universe. Over and over again. Just keep surrendering, that's what I need to remember.

I told some friends that I would meet up with them for a yoga session on campus this evening, but after dealing with MORE of this ACC shit, I really didn't want to do anything but sit on my couch and watch TV. But one of my Miracles Now messages came to me...the one that talks about showing up to your commitments. It's a small step, but it brings enormous amounts of blessings. Just showing up signals to the universe that you are ready and willing to change, and god, I am ready. I want health, and vitality, and peace of mind, and healthy eating habits, and positive body image. I'm ready, and needing, to change my habits, my thoughts, my practice.

And yoga was blissful. The practice of yoga itself, of course, always is. And there's something that energizes my soul when I spend time with these women. Strong, diverse, ambitious, beautiful, open, sincere, and genuine. We are a wonderful group. On my drive home, I had to just laugh at my ego. Why wouldn't I want to spend time with these lovely souls, building relationships, spending time focusing on my body, my breath, myself. A space to recenter and refocus. Why wouldn't I want to go? The reasons seem a bit hazy now.

Yet, our egos continually talk us out of things that we know we *should* do. Going to the gym. Eating healthier. Picking up the phone. Opening our hearts to share our journeys, our struggles. Our pride, our self-serving attitudes, our fears....they litter our mind with excuses, they put down our abilities, they tell us we aren't good enough. You know what's greater than our fears? LOVE.

Embrace that shit with open arms.

digital ash in a digital urn // bright eyes.

well, it's been a while, but here I am again, longing for a creative outlet. something consistent and reliable, and I feel motivated to put the effort into this time. these things that we build, they don't come to completion without perseverance and dedication. things take work, and patience. it's not always fun or even fulfilling, but these little things we do everyday, they have meaning, purpose. I want to start reaping the benefits, instead of day after day of "nothing", I want to see the results. the change.

oh, the changes. these past few months have been ripe with it. I've started full time as a pre-nursing student at UT Austin. I swapped my full time job for two part time ones. I've remembered what it's like to be busy, I've reinvented my study skills and my examination techniques. My body and mind have been bursting with this rejuvenation of my soul. For what feels like the first time in my life, I am working toward a very real and clear future.

I find interesting that I (unconsciously) switched to proper capitalization rules during that last paragraph.

Drew and I have had lots of conversations about our future, obviously. And I see it. I see us in it. I see the life that we are laying the foundation for, and have been for the past five (!) years. This kind of clairvoyance I have not experienced before. I always thought things would just kind of fall into place for me, and I could just float on (we'll all float on, all right). That didn't work, and I found myself in some dark, dark places with very real consequences. During that time, I started writing on a blog called "ten thousand stones", which is named after a song of the same name by an artist named Adrianne. The song speaks of the weight of ten thousand stones, the progression of them hanging deep in her heart and yet, somehow, building the best of her. I wanted to truly believe that my ten thousand stones were building something strong and stable and real.

If you would have told the me-then where me-now is today, I would've never believed it. No longer surviving. Thriving.

[post titles will now be the current album // artist i listened to while writing this post]